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Good Riddance: Tim Cook Is Finally Done Turning Apple Into a Woke Lecture Series With a Phone Attached

Tim Cook is stepping down as CEO of Apple, effective September 1st, after fifteen years of turning the most innovative company in human history into a glorified diversity seminar that occasionally releases a phone with a slightly better camera.

Finally. Someone get this man a retirement cake shaped like a rainbow flag and a “Mission Accomplished” banner — except the mission was making Apple boring, and he absolutely nailed it.

Apple announced Sunday that Cook will shuffle sideways into the role of “Executive Chairman of the Board,” which is corporate-speak for “we’re giving you a fancy title and a corner office so you stop touching things.” His replacement is John Ternus, the company’s Senior Vice President of Hardware Engineering — a guy who’s been at Apple since 2001 and was actually instrumental in building the iPhone, AirPods, and Mac products.

You know, the *actual products* that people buy. The things that made Apple worth trillions of dollars. Not the pride watch bands. Not the performative climate pledges. Not the censorship of conservative apps. The products.

Look, we should be fair. Under Tim Cook’s leadership, Apple became the first company to hit a $1 trillion market cap. That’s impressive. But let’s also be honest about what Cook prioritized once he got comfortable in that big chair. This is a man who spent more time lecturing Americans about social justice than he did innovating. He turned Apple’s product launches into TED Talks about sustainability. He cozied up to China — the country running actual concentration camps — while preaching human rights to American consumers.

(The hypocrisy there is so thick you could spread it on toast.)

Remember when Apple pulled Parler from the App Store after January 6th? That was Tim Cook’s Apple. Millions of conservatives got the message loud and clear: your speech is welcome on our platform only if it doesn’t offend the blue-haired employees in Cupertino. Meanwhile, the Chinese Communist Party’s propaganda apps? Those stayed up just fine. Funny how that works.

Cook was the CEO who decided Apple’s corporate values should include taking sides on every culture war issue imaginable. Transgender bathrooms? Apple has a position. Climate accords? Apple has a position. Voting laws in Georgia? Apple has a position. Actual innovation that makes your phone work better? Eh, we’ll get to it. Here’s a new charging cable instead.

Steve Jobs built Apple into a juggernaut by being obsessed with making things people wanted to buy. He was a maniac about product design. He didn’t care about your feelings — he cared about whether the rectangle in your pocket was the best rectangle anyone had ever made. Tim Cook inherited that empire and gradually turned it into a company that cares more about its ESG score than its next product launch.

Apple currently sits as the third largest company in the world by market cap. Third. It was first. Under the guy who spent his time on political activism instead of product breakthroughs, Apple got passed. Twice.

Now, John Ternus might be a breath of fresh air. The man is a hardware guy. He’s been in the weeds building actual Apple products for 25 years. He joined the executive team in 2021 and by all accounts, he’s the reason recent Mac chips have been as good as they are. An engineer running a tech company — what a revolutionary concept.

Cook’s farewell statement was exactly what you’d expect: “It has been the greatest privilege of my life to be the CEO of Apple. I love Apple with all of my being.” Very touching, Tim. We love Apple too. That’s why we’re excited to see what happens when someone who loves *building things* takes over instead of someone who loves *giving speeches about things.*

Here’s what we’re hoping the new era looks like: Less corporate activism. Less censoring apps because they hurt Democrats’ feelings. Less bowing to Beijing while lecturing Main Street. More actual innovation. More focus on making products that justify those insane prices. More remembering that Apple customers are buying technology, not subscribing to a political newsletter.

Will Ternus deliver? We’ll see. Apple’s got the talent, the money, and the infrastructure to dominate for another decade. All they need is a CEO who remembers that the job is building the best products on the planet — not auditing America’s social conscience from a glass office in California.

Tim Cook will be fine, by the way. He’ll sit in his Executive Chairman role, collect checks, probably write a memoir about “leading with values” that every MBA student will be forced to read. Good for him.

But for the rest of us who just want a phone that doesn’t cost $1,500 and a company that doesn’t treat half its customers like political enemies — September 1st can’t come fast enough.

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